Only Now
by Berrybanana05
Summary: "It was rather odd, Merlin thought, that Morgana had changed so quickly. How she had gone from so passionate and kind to cold and cruel in so little time. As the spirit consumed him and he screamed for Morgana to run, to run as fast as she could and warn Arthur, he wondered how he'd never thought of it before."
1. Found

"_I sat alone in bed till the morning_

_I'm crying, 'they're coming for me'_

_And I tried to hide these secrets inside me_

_my mind's like a deadly disease" - Control, Halsey_

* * *

_It was rather odd, Merlin thought, that Morgana had changed so quickly. How she had gone from so passionate and kind to cold and cruel in so little time._  
_As the spirit consumed him and he screamed for Morgana to run, run as fast as she could and warn Arthur, he wondered how he'd never thought of it before._

* * *

It was another one of those days.  
He was late to wake Arthur _as usual_, as punishment Arthur had given him even more chores than a regular man should be able to complete in a day _as usual_, and whenever he had a spare moment (which he didn't) Gaius was roping him into doing some task or other- cleaning the leech tank, gathering herbs, making deliveries- _as usual_, and he had no doubt that before the day was out he'd be running around risking his life with his eyes flashing that glorious molten gold just to 'save Camelot' and 'fulfil his destiny' _as usual_.  
Sometimes he wondered if one day he'd just collapse from exhaustion. Would they go easy on him then?  
He doubted it.

But currently the manservant was darting through the hustle and bustle of Camelot, avoiding baskets swinging on arms and stray fruit rolling along the cobbles of the street. He edged around a large figure of a woman as she inspected a merchant's wares, and narrowly avoided being trampled by a horse, but as he pushed through the crowd who were making their way across the bridge, he felt his heart lift.  
The forest.  
He practically ran to the edge of the trees. He felt his magic come alive, all his senses heightening as he slowly loosened his careful hold on his powers.  
The invisible tendrils of power burst out to inspect his surroundings, joyful at being allowed to run wild even after only a day of being out of use. They found nothing unusual as they twisted and turned through the wood, only brushing against auras of wood nymphs, mice, and the occasional rabbit.

Merlin felt himself relax properly for the first time in days.  
This was probably the main reason he put up with Gaius' chores as well as Arthur's (other than his huge respect for the old physician)- these rare moments where he was given time to venture alone into the woods in the search for herbs and he could let his powers run wild.  
Sure, in the castle and on quests he used the odd spell to cause branches to fall on bandits' heads, save his prattish friend's life, or simply complete his chores on time (much to Gaius' disapproval), but he always had to be so careful. Ever since the Witchfinder Incident he had tightened his hold on his magic considerably, quelling the instincts that bubbled up inside him.  
Stop.  
Move.  
Slow.

In Camelot, he couldn't afford to slip up.  
Pitchers couldn't slide unassisted towards nobles, falling trays full of food couldn't stop in midair, and whatever happened, eyes could NEVER flash gold.

But out here? Out here in this part of the wood where patrols rarely galloped, where few bandits ventured, and where no citizens went?  
Here he was safe to let it roam.

/

It was a good few hours later when Merlin realised how long he'd been gone. He was so swept up in the euphoria of allowing his magic to run free he'd lost track of time.  
He squinted up at the sky to try and gain some sort of idea of the time by the sun's position, but it had vanished among leaves.  
"Great." He muttered.  
The warlock checked his basket.  
He was three plants short and from what little he could see of the sun, very, very late.  
"Now Arthur AND Gaius are going to kill me..."

He slowly headed off into a nearby clearing, searching near the roots of the trees for the plants the physician had asked for.  
It was a few minutes before he realised his magic hadn't picked up any sort of disturbance for a while.  
And it was then that he felt the firm, icy grip of a certain hand around his ankle.  
Slowly, slowly, he looked down to the cruel grin of the woman he'd once respected so much.  
Morgana let out a slow, rattling breath, lips flecked with blood.  
"Well then. Fancy finding you here, Merlin."

He swallowed.

"Morgana."


	2. Missing

**Only Now**

I'm back and I've brought this new chapter with me!  
Prepare yourselves for a fair amount of angst in the coming chapters.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

"my ghost-  
where'd you go?  
what happened to the soul that you used to be?

i'm searching for something that I can't reach" -Ghost, Halsey

* * *

_It was a few minutes before he realised his magic hadn't picked up any sort of disturbance for a while.  
__And it was then that he felt the firm, icy grip of a certain hand around his ankle._

_Slowly, ever so slowly, he looked down to see the cruel grin of the woman he'd once respected so much.  
__Morgana let out a slow, rattling breath, curved lips flecked with blood.  
__"__Well then. Fancy seeing you here, Merlin."_

_He swallowed_.

_"__Morgana."_

* * *

She let out a rasping chuckle, lips quirking back into a smirk.  
"You don't sound too pleased to see me."  
The witch dragged herself forwards, reaching out for Merlin's other ankle but he quickly stepped back, nearly stumbling as her vice-like grip refused to release him. She may have been crawling on the ground with her face contorted in pain, but that had clearly done nothing to weaken the strength of her grip.  
"Why would I be?" He replied coldly.  
Her hold tightened. He tried not to flinch as her nails began to dig into the skin of his ankle.

Merlin's magic flared up in response to his fear but he fought it back down. The last thing he needed was for her to realise what he was.  
He could only contain so much, however, and his magic began to carefully re-assess his surroundings. Invisible gold swirled around Morgana's frail form, searching for answers.  
She was badly injured, he could see that clearly enough. But by what? He saw no crimson staining her trail, his magic could sense no wound. Perhaps this was another one of her cruel tricks, the beginning of another act of revenge for the suffering he had caused her.

His magic circled her again and flinched away from the darkness coursing through her, the inky mass that boiled and spat as he drew near it, that burned like fire as he brushed against it.  
"Because, Merlin..." She breathed, dark eyes meeting his as she clawed her way ever closer, "You're going to be seeing an awful lot more of me from now on."

He looked right and left, desperate for a method of escape that didn't involve his powers, but she only laughed.  
"Scared, Merlin? Now that your stupid king isn't here to protect you?"  
Shaking his leg, he tried to force her to let go but if anything her hold tightened further.  
He stumbled back again, eyes widening as he lost his balance and went crashing down to the ground to join her.  
The warlock trembled.  
He had no other choice.

"Á_stríce_." He whispered, and as his eyes melted into swirling gold. He just about caught sight of the fury in her eyes before she was thrown to the other side of the clearing in a sudden burst of light.  
Quickly, he stood. He could feel the remnants of his magic, the extra burst of magic he hadn't meant to release, fading from the air.  
His heart beat furiously as he glanced over to Morgana.  
The High Priestess lay limp on the ground, ebony ringlets spread around her head like a shadowy halo. She wasn't moving.  
The manservant let out a sigh of relief.

The feeling disappeared rather quickly, however, as she shuddered back to life, a rasping laugh echoing through the forest.  
"Well. That was unexpected."

Merlin staggered back, hands clenching and unclenching in readiness.  
Slowly, his eyes faded back to blue.  
"I'm sorry." He couldn't stop the words slipping out.  
"Me too." She replied.  
Neither of them were talking about the present.  
For the briefest moment, her eyes cleared and she looked like the Morgana he'd once known, the one who goaded a prince into saving the life of a servant.  
Then it was gone and the fury returned.

"But what I don't understand is how a simple _manservant_ from Cenred's kingdom could possibly show so much raw _magical_ power."  
She dragged out the pause for a long moment, eyes darkening further.  
"Or how _anyone_ could."  
His heart raced at her words, each breath short and shaking.

She grinned.  
"I'd never even dreamed that it could've been you, Merlin. That _YOU_ _of_ _all people_ could be _Emrys_."  
He shook his head.  
"No-"  
"Yes." Her eyes gleamed with a mad kind of fervour. Had her eyes always been that shade? That swirling darkness, a bog-black soup?  
He frowned but had no time to ponder it as she slowly staggered to her feet.  
"Yes. You are Emrys, the one and only- advisor to the Once and Future King, the one who will restore magic to Camelot... And the most powerful sorcerer in the world."  
She laughed. Merlin flinched at the sound, the soft and gentle laugh replaced with a rasping cackle.

All light around her seemed to bend away until she was wreathed in shadow.  
"Morgana..."  
The warlock was at a loss for words.  
This magic was wrong, her aura was all wrong- this swirling dark mess was nothing like the soft, pastel greens  
that had once lit her up from the inside, that had once brought peace or passion to all those who met her.  
He didn't understand- and then she met his eyes again and she did.

They were vengeful, coal-like orbs.  
Those eyes weren't hers; Morgana was possessed.

* * *

Well that's another chapter wrapped up!

Sorry for the clunky start, I wasn't sure how to reveal Morgana's possession or get Merlin out of the castle alone.  
I hope you'll stick around for the next one! ^^


	3. Falling

"i'm a wanderess  
i'm a one night stand  
don't belong to no city  
don't belong to no man

i'm the violence in the pouring rain-  
i'm a hurricane." - Hurricane, Halsey 

**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING!**

In this chapter there is a brief mention of self-harm/suicide/self-sacrifice. Please do not read this chapter if that is a trigger for you.

* * *

_The warlock was at a loss for words. This magic was wrong, her aura was all wrong- this swirling mess was nothing like the soft, pastel greens that had once lit her up from the inside, that had once brought peace or passion to all those who met her.  
__He didn't understand- and then she met his eyes again and she did.  
__Those eyes weren't hers; Morgana was possessed._

* * *

He bit his lip as his newfound knowledge settled oddly in his chest.  
Morgana- the fiery and good-hearted person he'd once known- was possessed.  
But this still left too many questions.  
What had happened? Had she sought out the spirit herself? How long had she been possessed? Was it the spirit that prompted her to betray them all, or were those events truly of her own design?  
Most importantly- could he get his friend back?

Streaks of golden magic darted around him, flighty and skittish from the nervousness emanating from him.  
_You're the most powerful wizard the world has ever known...  
_  
Morgana's smile faded slightly.  
"Cat got your tongue?"  
_  
You could take the spirit on, beat it and banish it where it could never harm again._

A streak of impatience entered her tone now.  
"Merlin?"

_You could free her._

He swallowed.  
He'd made his decision.

"I know what happened to you, Morgana."  
Her forehead scrunched into a frown, confusion flickering in her eyes.  
"What?"  
"And I'm going to save you. I'm going to bring you back."  
Her eyes glanced to both sides, her magic rearing back somewhat nervously.  
"I don't understand."  
Gently, Merlin smiled.  
"I know. But I do."

He closed his eyes and when they reopened, the clearing was lost in a flare of golden light.  
The greatest warlock to ever live, the one and only Emrys stepped into the glittering mist, taking Morgana by the hand.  
His magic didn't flinch back now, it barely even reacted to the poison pulsing beneath her skin.  
"_Asellan._" He breathed.

Darkness burst from the witch's form, fighting the light as it tried to diminish it, tried to contain it-  
Merlin's heart was pounding, head spinning.  
_I'm the most powerful magic user of all time. I can fight a mere spirit.  
_He was wrong.  
He felt like he was drowning.  
The darkness was clawing at his skin, trailing frosted knuckles down his spine, twisting and turning through the air as it searched for an entryway.  
It twirled past his ears whispering seductively, making promises of _freedom_, of _hope_, of **_power_**-

He'd been prepared to defend Morgana from it.  
He hadn't been prepared to defend himself from it.  
The warlock should've known that something that could so utterly corrupt someone as powerful and strong-willed as Morgana couldn't be easy to defeat.

Merlin glanced down.  
Morgana's eyes slowly fluttered open to meet Merlin's burning gold.  
"Merlin-!" Her voice was quiet, awash with horror.  
"I'm sorry- I thought- I thought I was strong enough-" Merlin grunted, gasping out in pain as the icy touch of the dark magic brushed against his leg.  
His knees buckled.

Morgana shook her head, falling to her knees with him, shaking his weakening form.  
"Merlin! Merlin you have to fight this-! Pull yourself together!" Her eyes were wide and fearful, but her tone was angry- whether she was angry at him or herself he wasn't sure.  
He managed a weak smile.  
"Well that's one good thing- You're back-" He broke off coughing, each breath rasping as the shadows tore into him, tearing apart the tendrils of his power that tried to fight them off.  
"Arthur has his sister back."

Tears gathered in her eyes. Despite the urgency of the situation, she couldn't help but think of her brother.  
"I don't think he'll want me back."  
Wisely, the sorcerer smiled.  
"I think you'd be surprised."  
Then his face darkened slightly.  
"But I swear to the gods, Morgana, if you ever choose betray him there will be no place where you can hide from my wrath... Possessed or no."

She nodded solemnly.  
"I'll protect him, Merlin. I swear I will." Her face darkened slightly. "But don't you dare stop fighting this, don't you dare! You can win this, I know you can."

"But if I can't-"  
"You must!"  
He put up a hand to silence her protests.

"If I can't and the spirit wins- if it tries to do what it did with you..."  
Her eyes widened in understanding.  
"I can't." She whispered.  
"You have to." Merlin snapped. He relented slightly, tone softening as her expression soured.  
"Promise me- if my magic turns dark and I try to hurt Arthur _or any of the knights_, promise me that you'll kill me."

She nodded.  
"I promise."

It was rather odd, Merlin thought, that Morgana had changed so quickly. How she had gone from so passionate and kind to cold and cruel in so little time.  
At least now, he knew why.  
As the spirit consumed him and he screamed for Morgana to run, run as fast as she could and warn Arthur, he wondered how he'd never thought of it before- of her quick change.  
He watched her go.  
She hated to leave him, he knew that, but he was losing the fight to the spirit- badly.  
Each golden wave was smaller than the last, each stab of darkness was stronger.  
He was just buying them time, now.

_Time before this spirit uses my magic to raze Camelot to the ground._

__Merlin wondered if he should try to stop this before it could start.  
If he should take the small dagger at his hip that _Arthur _had insisted on him carrying after another one of their many near-misses, after _Arthur _had dragged them on another pointless hunt-  
He wondered if he should just take the blade and-  
The warlock grimaced at the thought.  
He couldn't.

He thought of Gaius, of Arthur, of Morgana and Gwen.  
Of how they'd scream, how they'd run and plead for their lives.  
He had to.

With trembling fingers he reached for the knife, fingers burning in protest as they curled around the hilt-  
His whole arm was screaming in pain as he fought the will of the shadows, as more and more streamed in with every shaking breath he took-  
Icy fingertips trailed down his throat, nails scraping at his bones and his hand was trembling, trembling so badly he might just-!  
He dropped the dagger.  
Slowly, excruciatingly slowly he was frozen from the inside out and all he could hear was screaming.  
It was just as the world blurred, shifting into darkness, that he realised the screaming was his own.

An hour later, Merlin woke.  
The wood had faded to dark and inviting shades and a sunset of soft pastel hues stretched across the sky.  
He slowly stood, stretching, and wiped a few flecks of blood from his lips, brushing it off against his jacket.  
A certain, familiar coldness had settled in his stomach.  
With a shuddering breath, his lips cracked into a smile.

* * *

**A/N:** WOO! Off on the Dark!Merlin / Possessed!Merlin train!  
Hope you're liking the angst so far, don't kill me and I hope you don't think the characters are too OOC :')

Reviews are love!

(Question of the day- how do you think Arthur will react to Merlin 'going Morgana' and to Morgana's miraculous change of heart?)


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